June 4, 2008

It's possible I may have blacked out for a moment

I'd say I'm a pretty even-keeled person for approximately 20% of the time. I'd say that's a pretty good amount of a life to be spent even-keeled and without excess amounts of dramatic flailing of the body. So the story I'm about to tell you takes place during the other 80% of the time, but it's completely true and not exaggerated at all.

Setting: In front of the townhouse
Time: 10 p.m.
Players: Tiffany and Meredith
Extras: Big spider, 432 small spiders, 1 toad

Meredith and I are leisurely walking to the door of the townhouse, talking about Very Important Things and about events that may or may not have transpired that evening. As I reach into my purse, a spider catches my eye. This would normally be a small matter--just kill it. But this spider happens to be the size of a Buick Le Sabre and happens to be chillin' on our doorstep.

We prepare ourselves. Meredith deftly scoots the spider away from the door and I sweep in with my cute red shoe, like an eagle going after its prey.

Did I mention that this spider has a ghetto booty that makes Jennifer Lopez look like a skinny white girl? I didn't? Well, this spider's butt was bootylicious.

So I go in for the kill when all of a sudden the bootylicious spider bursts into 4,087 tiny spiders going everywhere. That ghetto booty was, in fact, a large spider sac. Ew. I then notice that the spiders are crawling all over a toad. The toad is frightened--I can see it in his eyes. He runs for cover among the bushes while Meredith and I begin frantically squashing spiders like a ninja warriors squash trespassers.

Our Mission: Make sure those devil-spiders don't crawl under the door.

We're stomping frantically while hoping the spiders don't crawl up our legs. Our legs are moving and flailing about as though independent from our bodies. We are like lords of the River Dance and the crickets are providing our soundtrack. But it looks as though the 10,235 spiders are too much for us. So Meredith makes haste to her Honda to retrieve a mug so we can pour water over these tiny, tiny fiends.

It's over. We have conquered the 24,987 spiders.

Final score:
Tiffany and Meredith-1

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