A Ph.D in Marriage Analysis

I should find a university that will let me develop my own special doctorate program. When I finish the work, I'll have a Ph.D in “Marriage Analysis.” I'd be an expert in watching my married and dating friends and learning about how different couples interact with each other, other couples and single people. What will make this program unique is that all of the doctoral candidates will be single. Singles watching couples. Bye-golly it's brilliant!

One of the largest parts of my study would focus on friendships. I'd study how couples make new friends and how they interact with old friends. My fear, though, is that the conclusions to this study would make a lot of couples angry or offended.

I read an article on Relevantmagazine.com the other day about singles and the Christian community. The bottom line is that single people (meaning not married or dating anyone) are often left out of the loop of friendship with couples or families. I don't mean being acquainted with each other and you all exchange “How are you?” or chit chat about the weather. I mean true and lasting friendship. The kind where hearts are laid on the line, advice is exchanged, and struggles are shouldered together.

The common behavior/reaction is that as soon as people pair off, they suddenly feel the need to only spend time with other couples. I can understand this to a certain extent―another couple gives each half someone to talk to. The man has someone to talk to, the woman has someone to talk to. The result is that the wife only hangs out with her female friends when her husband is having a guy's night. Rarely do the three of them hang out together.

This is not always the case, of course, but the rare exception is usually with someone who was friends with one or both halves of the pair before the coupling. So the girl's childhood best friend makes the cut. The guy's college roommate is okay to hang out with. But the new neighbor who is single will never become more than a casual acquaintance. Or if they do become a good friend, it will only be with half the couple, not both people.

I'm not saying a man should become best friends with the girl next door while his wife goes to make friends at the local truck stop. The bottom line is that single people benefit from spending time with couples or families and couples benefit from single people. The most obvious benefit is that it creates diversity. Diversity of experience, viewpoints, opinions and so on. Single people can learn a great deal about personal sacrifice from a married person, while a married person can learn a great deal about the importance of not relying on a person (like a spouse) to completely define who you are. (In other words―don't close yourself off from the world so that your spouse is your only friend.)

The bottom line is that I believe my study would conclude that the segregation between couples and single people is unhealthy for both sides. And yet it is more common than not for couples to disappear from the lives of their single friends. The fault lies with both parties, but that doesn't matter right now. What matters is that if we are to be people of depth, that depth should be carved from the experiences of many people, and not just those who are like us or who are in the same stage of life as us.

The Other Five Love Languages

It's Valentine's Day and that means people everywhere are expressing their love with roses, candy and the exchange of conversation hearts that say "Fax Me." To commemorate the most fun of all the made up holidays, I'll be discussing the other five love languages.

In the book The Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman explains the most common love languages and how they are expressed. The love languages are words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service and receiving gifts. But my friends and I have talked and decided that these five don't fully encompass the ways in which people can feel loved. Thus, I have developed a list of the other love languages:

1. Facebook Interaction: Do you write on their wall often enough? Do you tag them in notes? Have you sent them a piece of flair lately? If you're not communicating with them often enough through Facebook, then you're not loving them. And never, ever, ever forget to write back on their wall after they write on your wall. I can't believe you'd even think of doing that.

2. Picking on them: This is pretty much the opposite of words of affirmation--words of insult with a laugh. Don't you feel warm and fuzzy inside already? Have you made fun of the way your friend snorts when they laugh? Last week, when they told you that their favorite television show as a kid was Dallas, did you make fun of them and ask them who shot J.R.? Not teasing them is basically ignoring them and their idiosyncrasies. Don't you love your friend enough to make fun of their abnormally large toes?

3. Lack of physical touch: I have a few friends who do not like to be touched. At all. Most people think the side hug is a pansy's way out of a real hug, but people with this love language think even the side hug is too much. With friends like this, the best way to show the love is to keep the hugs to yourself. And remember: there's a reason couches have cushions. Your space is on your cushion. Don't cross the cushion.

4. Proper movie and television etiquette: This one is important on Valentine's Day. Couples across the land will be spending the day watching sugary-sweet movies or (if she can talk him into it) marathons of bridal shows on cable. So don't even think about talking during these movies or bemoaning the stupidity of women who wait by the phone for a guy who is clearly a jerk. Don't ever voice your predictions for how the movie will end or point out the faults of the dashing and handsome leading man. And it's also a good idea for the ladies to return the favor and abstain from voicing your opinion of Brad Pitt.

5. The gift of silence: I don't really need to hear how you were once in the exact same situation, except not really because it was a llama that ate your money and not a boss that ran over your puppy. Really, your friend just wants you to listen without comment. An occasional "Oh my!" or "No way!" or "What a lily-livered jerk face!" is permissible and even desired. But most of the time they aren't looking for advice--they just want you to listen to their plight.

That's the list I came up with. What would you add to the list of love languages?

Five Fabulous Things

I almost missed my first Positive Post Tuesday! And since it's late and I need to do stuff before going to bed, I'm going to cheat and write a list of things that have made me positive and optimistic about life:

1. Roommates who come home after being away for five-ish days: I seriously have the best roommate ever. She's hilarious and puts up with my obsessive compulsive need to clean things. I'm pretty sure that if I woke up at 3 a.m. and needed a Diet Dr. Pepper or I'd die, she would find a 24-hour store and buy me 76 bottles of that sweet, sweet nectar of the heavens. And then she'd hook up an IV straight into my mouth for fast relief. She also likes dogs as much as I do and frequently quotes Madea.

2. Friends who come back from vacation: I understand that people need to go on vacation, but it's especially sweet when they come home so they can continue sending me facebook messages about life and love and Dave Ramsey. I have the greatest friends in the world and if I wrote a full entry about the friend in question, you would all send me emails, trying to find out who she is so you could steal her and make her your best friend. Well too bad, Internet stalkers. She's mine and she's fabulous.

3. Earth friendly dishwasher detergent: I feel less guilty about never washing dishes by hand because they now offer earth-friendly cleaners. See? My laziness and hatred of dishwashing hands is saving the environment.

4. New offices: We just moved offices at work and the arrangement of the new office makes it possible for me to see who comes in and out of our office. I can also see everyone who walks by the office. So not only will this be great for distractions, but now people won't be able to ignore me when they come in to talk to my office mate. More chances to use my dry wit and gift of sarcasm? Check.

5. Finally finishing a project that was started months ago, but should have take a month to do: We've been working on designing and coding an e-blast for one of the ministries at work. Let's just say our schedule and the web designer's schedule (who is an outside designer) did not mesh well. But I received the correct coding and design yesterday. And I'm not lying when I say that I thought about going out for a margarita and using my own salty tears of joy as the garnish (is margarita salt a garnish?).

Welcome to Positive Post Tuesday, where I will be optimistic and say nice things. It will be like the feng shui of my blog and help balance out my rants and raves. Fun for you!

On Beating the Boys. Soundly.

Scene: A game of Cranium

Setting: The Strayer’s living room on Super Bowl Sunday.

Cast:
The Boys (Daniel and Sean)
The Girls (Amanda, Bekki and Tiffany)

Act I, Scene 1:
The card explains that Tiffany must act out a movie without making any sounds or using any props. Her teammates, Amanda and Bekki, must guess the movie’s title before the hourglass timer runs out.

Tiffany looks at the card and has no idea how to act out the movie without words. She throws her hand to her forehead, showing the drama and exasperation of the movie’s main character.

Amanda: Gone With the Wind!!!!

Tiffany: [Staring blankly at Amanda] Yeah. That’s it. How’d you do that?

End scene.

Time elapse: 3 seconds.

How did she get it after only a hand to the forehead? Because we’ve known each other since the seventh grade and our minds meld together when we play games.

What are friends for if not to help you soundly beat the Boys Team at Cranium. With the help of a lawyer, counselor/mind reader and editor, we made women all across this great nation proud. It was a day that will be remembered for years and talked about with our children and our children’s children (also called grandchildren).

Our next mission: Beat The Boys at Trivial Pursuit.