My Brain is Going Soft

I don't know if it's because I haven't had a full time job in more than seven months, but I think I'm losing brain cells at a faster rate than is normal for someone my age. Or maybe it's because I recently read The Twilight Saga twice in less than two weeks (don't judge).

Either way, here is the evidence that my brain is going soft:

Exhibit A
A few months ago I started working part time at a retail store selling Christian and Christian-themed products. A few weeks into the job I got dressed for work and sat down at my computer--I'm sure to read something very important. Like trivia about Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (Rabbit trail: The boy who played Charlie is now a veterinarian and lives in Texas). Under the desk I had my pair of black flats for work, and the blue and white patterned shoes I wore to church that morning. When it was time to leave, I slipped on my shoes and went to work. A few hours later I got home, took off the shoes and for the first time all day, actually looked at my shoes.

One was black and the other was blue and white patterned. Yeah.

What's particularly ridiculous about this is that the shoes don't even fit the same. The black pair is loose and slides on and off easily, like fake leather often does. The blue and white pair are a smidge too small and made of canvas. And did I mention that one is black and the other blue and white?

Exhibit B
I just played Text Twist online and couldn't think of half the words for the game. This is a small thing, but in college I rocked that game out like it was my job.

Exhibit C
Tonight I decided I wanted to watch a movie that would warm the cockles of my heart. I pop open my DVD player and take out the disc that's already in there. But I don't own the DVD that's in the player--Netflix does. Which is fine, except that I supposedly already sent back this particular DVD to Netflix. But no, I did not. I sent back my DVD to Netflix. Netflix is now the proud owner of an extra Psych disc.

I called Netflix and the nice young man I spoke to said there's nothing they can really do, but he credited my account $10. So here's my question: Who out there has a DVD burner I can use to make a new disc for the first four episodes of Psych, season 3?

I think I'll start taking Gingko Biloba and doing crossword puzzles.

Simple Pleasures

When I worked at a summer camp in high school and college, the only place nearby to go shopping was the Wal-Mart. One Saturday I was standing in line behind an old married couple. They had gray hair, were stooped over with age and never said a word to each other while in line. The husband was giving their merchandise to the cashier while the wife stood a few feet back, holding a single red rose in her hands.

The entire time she was in line, she kept smelling the rose and then looking at it with the most content smile on her face I have ever seen. Her look was full of memories. Memories of all the roses she had been given in the past. From the first rose her husband gave her at a school dance, to the roses she received when their first child was born, and the single rose he buys her on occasion "just because." Those memories and the simple pleasure of the single stem in her hand made her face glow as though she had been given a dozen roses with a diamond ring in the center of one. But it was just a single rose.

Her husband took the rose from her so they could pay for it, but then gave it right back. I don't know whether she picked it up herself or not, but the pure joy in her face makes me think that her husband picked it out just for her. My imagination (and not-so-hidden romantic side) likes to think that she was holding just one of the hundreds of roses he had given her over the years. And no matter how many more she'd be given, she would always show that much pleasure in a single rose given to her by her beloved.

I love flowers more than just about anything in the world. I hope that someday I meet a man who will buy me flowers for special occasions and "just because." But even more, I hope that no matter how many flowers I'm given, I never lose that look of pleasure like the woman in the Wal-Mart checkout lane.

Our Naked Neighbor

The roomie and I are walking toward our cul de sac after a leisurely stroll around the neighborhood. The sun is setting and the temperature is just right. We met a few new dogs (and their owners) during our walk and we've been discussing the perfect size for a dog.

While we were out we saw our apartment manager, who lives in the same cul de sac with her husband and three sons. As we draw closer to our home we notice her three-year-old son running out of their house. No one is running behind him or after him.

"Whaaaat?" I ask.

"Is he?" she asks.

"Oh my stars..."

"Oh my goodness..."

He's naked. Butt naked. And running down the street.

He gets closer and announces his intentions.

"I'm looking for my mom and brother..."

He keeps running and we suggest that he wait for her, but he'll have none of it. So we watch him as he runs past us to his mom, about 30 yards behind us, in all his naked glory.

Children are a blessing from God.

The end.

Building Character Through Ridiculous Chores

Sometimes I wonder if kids still have chores these days. I’m sure some kids do, but if television shows are any indication (and television shows always present life just as it is…), then the vast majority of children have never done a chore in their life.

My brother and I used to have this chart on the refrigerator that would let us know what chores we had to do, and if we did them all we’d get an allowance. I’m pretty sure I was never paid my allowance and my parents still owe me, with interest, approximately $20,354.54. Or they could just buy me a MacBook Pro and we’d call it even. A white one with the Adobe CreativeSuite.

The chart was a pre-made one with normal chores (make the bed, do the dishes, feed the pet, etc.). But my parents had other chores they added to this. Among these chores was perhaps the most ridiculous task ever devised by a parent in the whole world forever and ever, amen.

Our house had (still has, in fact) a magnolia tree. Naturally, the branches on a magnolia tree begin about one foot above the ground. Since this tree was near a path and a door we used regularly, the prior owners had cut all the branches about seven or eight feet up the trunk. Said tree was in a natural area (meaning it was surrounded by pine straw and azalea bushes…no grass).

Apparently my parents were of the school that torturous chores build character. You know what else builds character? Bending over until your back feels like it’s going to fall off and all that will be left of you is a head and legs. Not a pretty picture.

With these beliefs in mind, my parents made it a chore that my brother and I would pick up the fallen magnolia leaves from the natural area. I’m sorry, what did you just say? Yes, I said that they made us pick up leaves—from a tree—in the natural area. What else goes in a natural area besides leaves?

After we picked up the leaves, we had to move all the pine straw so they were at perfectly straight 90 degree angles with the porch. I kid.

So we divided the area in half and I promise you my “half” was actually my “two-thirds.” But then, I was the younger sibling, so I was always the victim. I’m pretty sure my lower back is sore to this day because of this “chore.”

My First Bouquet of Roses

In order to serve you, my readers, more efficiently, I have written two versions of today's post. The first is the real story, full of all the details. The second is the abridged version for those who don't have three minutes to spend reading about the first bouquet of roses I've ever received.

Real Version:
Last weekend, I and several of my friends from college got together at the beach. One of the guys has a beach house [side note: It has a 65" flatscreen TV. I want one. I saw Michael Phelps larger than life. This is a good thing.], so we got together and reminisced about the days of yore. We talked about our favorite college memory and about the time Dan's knee popped out of joint or when we had a VIP room at the Super Bowl party. Then we waxed less than poeticly about what we're doing now. Although we've all seen each other several times since we graduated, so we weren't all that clueless about our lives.

On Saturday I was tragically out of Diet Dr. Pepper and knew that I'd need the sweet nectar that the doctor has so graciously bestowed upon the world. So I went to the grocery store to stock up on a supply for the weekend (with a couple other things to munch on while basking in the cloudiness of the day).

I paid for my haul and grabbed my bags. As the bagger was handing me my bags he also reached for a bouquet of roses that I hadn't noticed was lying on the counter. And he handed them to me. "What are these for?" I asked. "They're for you," he said. "Oh!" was the only response I came up with.

So I took home my roses and put them in a red Solo cup.

Short version:
They were getting rid of the old roses at the Food Lion and the 80-year-old bagger gave them to me.

Conclusion:
Using the intuition that our senior friends often have (part of the wisdom they glean during their years), I believe he saw in my face how much I love flowers. The end.

It's possible I may have blacked out for a moment

I'd say I'm a pretty even-keeled person for approximately 20% of the time. I'd say that's a pretty good amount of a life to be spent even-keeled and without excess amounts of dramatic flailing of the body. So the story I'm about to tell you takes place during the other 80% of the time, but it's completely true and not exaggerated at all.

Setting: In front of the townhouse
Time: 10 p.m.
Players: Tiffany and Meredith
Extras: Big spider, 432 small spiders, 1 toad

Meredith and I are leisurely walking to the door of the townhouse, talking about Very Important Things and about events that may or may not have transpired that evening. As I reach into my purse, a spider catches my eye. This would normally be a small matter--just kill it. But this spider happens to be the size of a Buick Le Sabre and happens to be chillin' on our doorstep.

We prepare ourselves. Meredith deftly scoots the spider away from the door and I sweep in with my cute red shoe, like an eagle going after its prey.

Did I mention that this spider has a ghetto booty that makes Jennifer Lopez look like a skinny white girl? I didn't? Well, this spider's butt was bootylicious.

So I go in for the kill when all of a sudden the bootylicious spider bursts into 4,087 tiny spiders going everywhere. That ghetto booty was, in fact, a large spider sac. Ew. I then notice that the spiders are crawling all over a toad. The toad is frightened--I can see it in his eyes. He runs for cover among the bushes while Meredith and I begin frantically squashing spiders like a ninja warriors squash trespassers.

Our Mission: Make sure those devil-spiders don't crawl under the door.

We're stomping frantically while hoping the spiders don't crawl up our legs. Our legs are moving and flailing about as though independent from our bodies. We are like lords of the River Dance and the crickets are providing our soundtrack. But it looks as though the 10,235 spiders are too much for us. So Meredith makes haste to her Honda to retrieve a mug so we can pour water over these tiny, tiny fiends.

It's over. We have conquered the 24,987 spiders.

Final score:
Tiffany and Meredith-1
Nature-0

On March Madness

The NCAA has rules about showing clips or highlights from games until all the games from that day are finished. Or something like that. So a local news station in North Carolina improvised...using dolls and action figures. This is why I love living in North Carolina. Watch some highlights of the Duke and Belmont game:

On Knowing When You're Ready for Children

Setting: The living room, watching TV; a State Farm insurance ad is on
Characters: Roommates Meredith and Tiffany

The State Farm commercial shows different people at different stages of their life, some young, some old and some in between. One shot shows a father in his son's nursery.

Meredith: Aww...look at that dad with his son. Precious little...

Pause.

Tiffany: What do you think it says that I noticed the rug and the lamp, but not the baby?

Meredith: I don't know. What do you think it says that I noticed the man but not the baby.

Tiffany: We're not ready to have children.

End Scene

On Beating the Boys. Soundly.

Scene: A game of Cranium

Setting: The Strayer’s living room on Super Bowl Sunday.

Cast:
The Boys (Daniel and Sean)
The Girls (Amanda, Bekki and Tiffany)

Act I, Scene 1:
The card explains that Tiffany must act out a movie without making any sounds or using any props. Her teammates, Amanda and Bekki, must guess the movie’s title before the hourglass timer runs out.

Tiffany looks at the card and has no idea how to act out the movie without words. She throws her hand to her forehead, showing the drama and exasperation of the movie’s main character.

Amanda: Gone With the Wind!!!!

Tiffany: [Staring blankly at Amanda] Yeah. That’s it. How’d you do that?

End scene.

Time elapse: 3 seconds.

How did she get it after only a hand to the forehead? Because we’ve known each other since the seventh grade and our minds meld together when we play games.

What are friends for if not to help you soundly beat the Boys Team at Cranium. With the help of a lawyer, counselor/mind reader and editor, we made women all across this great nation proud. It was a day that will be remembered for years and talked about with our children and our children’s children (also called grandchildren).

Our next mission: Beat The Boys at Trivial Pursuit.

On Knowing the Whole Story

Nobody likes knowing half the story, except perhaps so they might be able to continue living in denial. But when the whole story helps make the experience fuller and richer, it's safe to say we all like to know the full story. A current example that comes to mind are the Harry Potter books and movies. I am an avid fan of the Harry Potter franchise. If I told you the extent of my fanhood, you'd probably decide I'm insane and stop reading, because who wants to read the blog of a crazy person?

Anyway, my friend (a fellow Harry fan) and I have discussed on numerous occasions the many faults of the HP movies, particularly the third movie, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Overall, we love the movies, but we of course would rather the movies be five hours long and included every detail of the books. We are aware of our full-fledged crazy. If you had never read the books and went to see the movie, you'd be missing plot points and details that would further enrich your Harry Potter experience. The two most blatant examples are the marauder's map and the form of Harry's Patronus (a stag). For those who haven't read the books or seen the movies, first I must ask where the heck you've been in the last ten years. Second, I'll explain what each of these things are.

The Marauder's Map is a map of Hogwarts that shows where every single person or animal is located in the school. Tiny dots with labels move all over the map, enabling the user to see if anyone is coming to ruin their fun or mischief. The makers of this map were Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs. Later in the book we find out that these four people were actually Harry's father and three friends. Each of them could turn into animals (Moony was a werewolf and didn't turn on purpose, the others did so on purpose) and so these nicknames corresponded with their animals. Harry's father transformed into a stag, so his name was Prongs. This brings us to the Patronus.

A Patronus is created using a spell and protects the witch or wizard. Each wizard's Patronus takes the shape of an animal that is either meaningful to them or has qualities similar to them. So what shape does Harry's Patronus take? A stag. Like his father's animal form. You're probably wondering why I just explained all of that. In the movie, each of these facts is completely disregarded. Viewers never learn that Harry's father and friends made the map or that his father's animal form was a stag. This bothered me because I felt like these two facts would have given the story and the characters more depth. We could have learned more about the character of Harry's father and more about Harry's feelings toward his father. We could have learned some history of Harry's family. Instead, we got a ten minute scene with the knight bus, a completely irrelevant part of the story. I'm still bitter.

Now let's bring it all in. I'm assuming we all agree that knowing all the facts of a story helps to make a story better and more meaningful. Granted, in many instances it's impossible to know the full story and fit all the facts in. Whenever someone complains about the media being one-sided or not telling all the facts, I remind them that if we told every single fact, news stories would each last an hour or take half a day to read. The media has to pick and choose which facts they believe are most important. Does that result in lopsided storytelling? Sometimes, yes. But if you have a problem with it, read more than one story on the same subject. Read CNN, Fox News and MSNBC. But I digress.

Most people avoid reading the Old Testament. It's long and wordy and there are a lot of rules. It's hard to pronounce the names. And don't even try to get them to read about the history of those times (using outside sources). But I believe we're missing so much of God's character and His plan when we only read the New Testament. We only know the major details of half the story! We all hear about how angry God seemed in the Old Testament, yet we avoid reading it for ourselves. The Israelites didn't exactly make it easy on themselves. I've always enjoyed reading and learning about history, believing that it will help us understand the actions and culture of the people at the time. I think if we knew more about the culture and way of life for the characters in the Old Testament and the world at the time, we would gain a better and richer understanding of the stories and of God.

I guess all I'm saying is that we've gotten used to reading the highlights and just getting the gist of stories and of history. If our belief system (Christianity) is more than just a set of rules to live by, but it's a lifestyle that permeates every facet of our being, then shouldn't we know more about it? Shouldn't we know where we came from so we know where we're going? So we can fully understanding where we're going and why we're going there?